


Gaster!Sans and the Temple of Melons

by GazterZanz



Series: Gaster!sans Series [1]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-08-17 00:53:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 11,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8124292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GazterZanz/pseuds/GazterZanz
Summary: Im sory it took so long i work relly hard on it no hatplz





	1. Chapter 1

Hello _I’m_ Gaster!Sans. _I’m_ late for school _I_ haven’t done my homework and now _I_ have to go on a long convoluted jurney in order to do it! Now how did I get that homework again?

*Flashback*

“assriel?” ssriel waved.“WRONG!!! Muffet?”“Spider Number 623”“Very good. Gans.”My response? “YOU’RE VERGINITY!”“DAT a detention Gaster!Sans” Miss Chara yelled from the front of the clarseroom. “as for assirel you will help clean up after my next kill. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” “Awwww...” sighed Asriel realising this meant also having to watch and help with the murdet

This is what happened last week during clarse with Miss Chara and Miss Toriel. For the registar we have to say the name of our next victim or our last victim. I must say though I am a fan of Miss Toriel’s and Miss Chara’s boobs especially the sizes. Regardless, it was ‘Murder skillz practise clarse’ so we all had to practice new murder skillz.

Dat’s when my stupid brother Papyrus finally completed the transformation he’d been practicing. It looked about as dumb as all his puzzles. It just had a bunch of spikes on the shoulder pads and an actual sword. Howeverit created a pretty large blast which sent the guy I wish was my bro ssriel falling into Muffet’s fat arse. I on the other hand was more lucky. I landed in the arse of Miss Chara who was bent over inspecting some fallen jackarse.

“gans, didn’t you know you shouldn’t play with a girl’s butt in public?” miss chara queried. “depends, miss.” I replied. “cn I borrow dat nife?”“Of course,” said Miss toriel, glaring at Miss Chara, as if to say ‘isn’t that right?’. Miss chara handed me the knife, and I stuck the handle into a hole in the wall, which had a picture of a penis drawn entering it [glad I made dat]. I then started talking to asriel, as I leant on the wall, with the nife going through one of my hand holes. It was a tight squeeze, but I got the nife through. Everyone gasped, as some dust fell from the small cut on my hand made by it. I turned my head to miss chara.

“Impressive, huh?” I said. “I must admit,” Miss Chara admitted, “That is quite impressive!” “Impressive enough to not have dat detention?” I quieried. “No, now give me my nife back.” She said, coldly. I pulled my hand away from the wall with ease, however, what I didn’tbsm notice was that the nife was still stuck in my hand-hole. I turned around and got ssriel to pull it out. After tugging on it as hard as he could, the nife finally came out.

From the force of it, I fell backwards into Miss Chara’s chest. She shoved me away, straight into Miss Toriel’s huge rack! She fell backwards in surprise, pushing me away.Into the hell hole dat is the fattest person in our school's fat, **fat** pussy (oh muffet’s pussy)

Oh, yes. And now to dat homework. I have to find and collect a _‘legendary’_ artefact but all the easy ones are takebn. I only heard rumours of rumours of pictures of stories of lost episodes of VHS tapes of YouTube collab speculotuins of telepfone calls mentioning the two most powerful artefacts ever and oddly enough they’re both in, pretty much, the same place.


	2. Chapter 2

Assriel and I are the only ones who haven’t done our homework yet so we decided to team up. Our first problem was dat we had no idea where these two artefacts were, or what they were called. So we decided to start off by asking other students. First I tried Temmie, who said “Gis me on tousand munnez zo i kan goe too colleg, cuz am por.” Unfortunately, I didn’t have 1000 gold, so I came to the only logical conclusion; MUG EVERYTHING!   
First, I needed weapons. Luckily, I had my legendary gaster zans baster hens. I get high of dem henz boi. The first person I decided to mug was my dumbass brother Papyrus. I walked up behind him, and then put my hand to the back of his head. “Open your wallet, and give me everything in it! NOW!” Papyrus shat himself, opened his wallet, and gave me an expired Grillby’s customer card, a picture of his new second form, and a packing peanut.  
At this point, I realised dat wasn’t going to work. So I decided to think of something I’d be better at than a mugger. Then I realised that I could do manual labour. I started by checking the school kitchen. When I arrived, I heard Muffet saying this; “Ooh, get in there. GET IN THE HOLE! Oh god, it’s so tight. Damn that’s dirty...”  
Now, I know it’s Muffert, but I won’t pass up the opportunity to see a chick finger herself. I took a peek through the door. Turns out, I got my hopes up for nothing. Muffet had her back to me, and she was just shoving a pipe cleaner into some pipes. However, me being me, I still thought it was kinda hot, so I continued peeking.  
After 2 seconds of this, sexy legs arrived. “what are you looking at?” he asked. I then jumped in surprise, and fell into the door, flinging it open. Sexy legs walked off laughing. “What are you doing?” asked Muffet. “Um... nothing...” I replied. “except I thought you wereslickschlacking boi...”  
Muffet sighed. “why are you here?” She asked. “I need 1000 gold. Happen to have any?” I said. “Why yes, I do. However I’ll only give you it, if you help me with my plumbing.” She replied. She then stood up. “Have at it!” She said. I walked over to the pipes, knelt down, and had a look at them. I then picked up the pipe, and fired a laser through it with my gaster zans baster hens. High on dem hens boi. It then went through a wall, and went through Miss Chara’s tits, boogalyboogaly and up into the sky.  
I got another detention. I did however, get that 1000 gold. I then found Temmie “Dank u” He said “i tink sxy lgs nos wer dey r.” “okay” I replied “but what are they called?” I tink dey r ‘da Ston Bol’ n ‘da Ston Pol’” Temmie replied.  
I found sexy legs and asked him if he knew. “I do, but I won’t tell you until you help me with something.” He said, “You see, two days ag...” “blah, blah, get to the point.” I asked, politely. “Basically, I need you to give mee a picture of you brother, for an errand I’m running myself.”  
I then went to find Papyrus. Luckily, I installed a GPS tracker on him, so I know where I need to go to beat him up. I checked where he was, and he was behind the main school building.  
So, I wandered around to the back of the building, and found him having sex with Miss Chara! I quickly ran back behind the wall, and called assriel. He arrived in 2 minutes.  
“Hey, what’s going on?” he asked. “Miss Chara and my brother are fucking behind the school, but I have to get a picture of hi...” I trailed off. “Assriel, take this cable, and plug it in. We gotta charge the camnera up before I can upload this to Pornhub!”  
Ssruel got the camera charged up, and I managed to record my brother getting a blowjob from my teacher. Then I got a zoomed in picture of his O-face, and gave it to sxy legs . He then gave us all the information we needed.


	3. Chapter 3

“Well, what did you find out?” asked ssriel. “Everything!” I said. Me and ssriel went to the South Pasific, where the artefacts were. I soon found an island which had a carving of miss Toriel naked on the side of a cliff. The entrance to the catacombs was in her vajina   
Amn as we entered, the first of many traps activated, a torent of water came gushing out of the back of the corridor, which looked like the inside of a vajina. I held back the water, with a blast from by gaster zans baster hens all the hens and then we moved on.  
Then we reached a cross-road, one pointing up, labelled “knees”, and one pointing down, labelled “mouth”. I took the “mout” path. I found a room, that had closing and opening walls. Dust was everywhere. I simply strolled through the room, and made it without a bitch.  
Then, around the corner, there was a really important guy named “Frinc”, who liked to frickfrack, told me to be careful in the next room. I punched him in the dick for telling me wot to do. The next room was filled with lettuce sandwiches. I had to eat all the lettuce sandviches to continue.  
After eating all those sandvichews, I had became addicted. In the next room, there was a poison arrow trap. I managed to jump on every arrow that fyerd, as I am a master of nijitsu, like naruto. So then , I Camley moved on.  
So then, I entered the next room, and it was a tight corridor. I turned around, and saw a huge boulder, designed to look like a huge boob. Then, the tit strated rolling, like that scene in Indiana Jones. I then used my gaster zans baster hens to push me, like a rocket. Somehow, the tit-rock managed to keep up with me.  
I ran for what felt like miles, Until I reached a vertical part of the corridor, So I flew up it. Then I saw a stall, labelled “Porn Shop”. Of course I ran up to it. The man at the stall said “I'm Rick Harrison and this is my porn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Bih Hoss, and in 1337 years I've learned one thing, you never know what's gonna come through dat door.”  
The man pointed at a door, further down the hall. The man the walked away from his stall, so I stole all the porn, had a quick fap on an olf man, and then walked through the door, only to find a hall of doors on the other side. When I turned around, I saw that the stall, all the porn, had disappear.   
This did me a frighten, so I blue up all the doors. I then opened a red door on my left. On the other side was Miss Chara in a bondage outfit. I then realised that all the doors contained my fantasies. I then opened a door, and the room was made out of lettuce sandviches, wearing strap-ons. I ran through this room, discovering that it had another door on the other end.   
On the other side was a small room, containing the artefact I was looking for. It was a statue of Miss Toriel, dancing on a stripper pole. It had a wired forcefield around it, so I used my telikenises to lift it, and then used it’s power to shrink it, so it could fit in my pants with my dik.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sory it took so long i work relly hard on it no hatplz

It wouldnt fit in ma pants (cuz ma dik was to bih) and the head wuz stickin outta outta ma croch and ma dik was up her vajina (it felt really nice). And then i went back to the door with da sexy miss Chara n fucked her it was reallu nice but then she disapeared and ma cumm went evrywhere.


	5. Chapter 5

Then I entered aroom with just a rock init. I picked it up and desided to call it Sadnwk. I put it in my custum, nega, black, hyper, thorax-proof, bullet-dependant, suave lether jackets front pocket. Then I found three doors. One had a door that led to to a room full of lettuce sandwiches, what I ate. The other 1 had a room with a computer that wuz on Tumblr.com. I died and left the room.  
I then found a room where there was the porn I found and I had a fap and I walked off down the corridor and found a wierd shaped door. It looked like a backwards nipple. I opened it and saw the outside of the statyu. I almost fel out but mah Gasta Sanz Blasta Hanz saved the day.  
I then walked back to the ollected athe beginning. I took the path to hte mouth. I den smoked some meth to calm me down. Then there was an angery Izak from the binding of Izak. I punched it in the boobs and Killed it by throing Sadnwk at it. Then I left.  
Then I found Asreel stuck in a door tat looked like a anus, and I lafed. Then I got him out of the anus by punching him in the shin, andf we fluw out of the statyu and towords the skool. Then the arme fluw a plane at us and I exploded it. I spent ours fiting the arme.  
Ther wer tanks and planes and guns and explosion and I exploded them all. I beated up some arme men and I blowed them all up. Then we we went home.  
At skool, we were late handing in our homework, so we got a detention, then and had to make a perfect clay modal of Miss Chara. And we did. She then thru me and Azreel out of the window. I then went back to my houseand faped to the the porn I ollected at the temple.   
Thw next day I walked into skool and Papyrus askd if everything was ok. I pinched him in the face and walked to siense clas. Wher we lerned to make poison. It was fun.


	6. CHapter 6

In the piosson class I did sum poison that made my hare grow all long and gray, but sinse I had no hare I only deid. Then I went up to Papyrus and piunched him in the face because he had no lettise sandwiches and it was bullying that he didn’t. So I decided to get my own back on him by getting him on the back revenge.  
Later that day, I had set up cameras in evry single clozet in the scool. I had done this because I would do the ultimate prankster, that would be doing a porn uploading it to the internet and fap too later. Then, one of the bleepy-bleeps did a noiz in the room, and that meant there was a porn in closet.  
The porn was of miss Chra and Papyris. He waz dressd up as a suporheroe, with siome big peen. I got many closeups of miss Chara’s big tittees. I lyk it when they jiggl up an down all jewsea. I uploaded this to my faverit site, Tumbeleror, and I drank my faverit drink moontin doop.  
Then my brover came in all mad and hit my lettis sandwitch out of my hands then did his super-ultra-mega-hiper-master-nega-alfa-omaga-bata-gamma-delta-epsilon-zata-ata-thata-iota0kapa-lamda-moo-noo-xi-omicrom0pie-row-sigma0tow0oopsion-fi-ki-psy-bullet-resistant-earth-shattering0man penetrating-nipple-hardening=anus-remdering-slap attack, what made me drop ma drink. Iwas sad and cried.  
Thnen I used my xtreem-super-hiper-ultimat-absoloot0mega-nega=omega-psy0ki-fi=oopsilon0tow-sigma-row=pie-omicrom-xi0noo-moo=lamda0kapa-iota-thata atazata-epsilon-delta0gamma-bata0alfa-zap-god-mode-but=bounsing0supreem-riality=warpinmg-master-lettise-powered=tit-jiggeling0determinated-politicly=incorrect-tumbeling0anti-mater-unstopabel-killedin-1-hit-zombee0super-cool-elemental-compete-finale0hi-power-100%-killa=kik to tha balls. This made papurus fall over and cry for and hour.  
Then. He stood up and skwashed ma drink. This made me activate mu rage mode. Da craks on ma face started craking, ma yellow eyes turned deep red wiht yellow rings in dem. I got a yellow and blue ora. I had finallt dun a super sayan. I also get some more vracks.  
THen thr real battle fimally begins.


	7. Chapter 7

PApiris used his Ulta-powerful-unstoppable-ay-bee-see-dee-ee-ef-gee-aich-ie-jay-kay-el-em-en-oh-pee-(ha)-cu-ar-es-tee-yoo-vee-dubleyoo-ex-wy-zee-fire0water-air-absolute-100%=power-big-risk0instantkill-ball-bounsing-verygay-master-slayv-zapzap-ultimit-xtreem-deviley-super-evil-super-elements-rollin-explosive-hyper-ultra-ful-powa-ratatat-AK47-anti-nega0boobie-complete-tmblr-powerd-undtoppable-big-bom-angry-bone-bumping-buthole-penetr8ing-schul-luving-big-bad-blue-attack-explosive-headbutt-of0insane-death-and=destruction-to-lettiss-and=good-kick-in0the-head.  
Then I used my hiper-ultra-egg-distroying-shell=ruptering-fetus0scrambeling-hard-boiling=mother-removing-rubber-bounsey0ball-of0ultimate-tasteylicious-hyper-rishous-super-smashing-broverbrawl-of hellrazor-of-hyper-magneficashon-to-the ultra-pie-squared-hiper-ultra-mega-supa-dupa-rik-rollin'-imposibility-of nega-maddnes-wiv-bonus0strike-to-rain-shift-ofdark-death-boiled-egg-lift-drop-throw-on floor-nega-physics-chicken-light-sun-blak-hole-atack. Papyris then used his atack-hole-blak-sun-light-chicken-pysics-nega-floor on-throw-drop-lift-egg-boiled-death-dark-of-shift-to-rain-strike=bonus-with-madnes-nega=of imposibility-rollin' rik-dupa-supa-mega-ulta-hyper0squared-pie-ultra-the-to-magneficashon-hyper-of=hellrazor-of-brawl-brother-smashing-supa rishous-hyper-tasteylicious0ultimate-of-ball-bounsey-rubber=rewmoving-mother-boiling-hard=scrambelling-fetus0rupturing-shell-distroying-egg=ultra-hyper. Itt reversed my hole attak, and kiled me


	8. Chapter 8

(AN: Hay, gays. I ned a romanse seen 4 tha next chapper. Butt dont wory, mah big cister is riting thr next thre. C U gays in chapper 13.)

I kikflipd my sk8bord that I always hav in mah pak. It went all the way round upside down, like kikflip reverse-ultr-round the worldkikflip-guyman, and then it went into the space went round the worldand bak down agen into underground. Then it went up Papyruses skull nostrel and into his nutbrain (becuze he is dum).   
And bounsed around for five ours. It went around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and then stops.  
It then came (lol) out his hed and fell onto floor. Now he was a ded, so we would go on revive quest, if he were not brother. So will use S8n instead.  
Hwo t2 do a s8nic rituel:  
Ingredients:  
10000rf,  
hellsbane,  
merlock,  
blakroot,  
blood (2 gallons),  
5 ritual sacrifices,  
White ash,  
red chalk,  
Black Ice.

Method.  
Draw a pentagram using the red chalk, then put the 5 ritual sacrifeces on each point of the pentagram. Put the white ash and black ice in the center of the star and line the edge of the pentagram with the flowers arranged in the order; hellsbane merlock hellsbane blackroot merlock merlock blackroot hellsbane, then pour on all the blood and chant the following passage: “Ego Deus omnipotens plebs dives luctus luctus, odio odio induta cupio. Teneo sacrificio voluntatem. Obsecro te, quod recipere potest scirpus, Ingemit luctus pretium puto omnipotentis Dei super me vis odio odio. Quod sit cultus. Olim clara perceptione, quaeso.” Then set it on fire.  
DEn find a docter to cleen up.cuz thats waht therer 4?  
Thn Mis Chra kdnaped ma.


	9. Chapter 9

I woke up in Miss Chara's dark, damp basement. I slowly tested my stiff limbs to check there was still blood flowing, then I remembered I was a sexy skeleton (extremely sexy), with ripped muscles and washboard abs. I realised I was sensually chained up to a damp wall, the cool chains slowly massaging my frail, yet extremely handsome frame.  
Miss Chara came down the stairs, in a slow, sensuous manner, allowing the long dark whip to trial slowly behind her. She beckoned me with her hand and rubbed her hair along her pale, petite shoulders. She had obviously forgotten I was chained to her basement wall. Her obviously oiled her body slid down the stairs, her breasts bouncing sensuously, her buttocks vibrating vigorously.  
As she reached the bottom of the oily, broken stairs, she pulls off her mangled excuse for a bra, and her humongous breasts emerged, swiftly. I drooled, continuously at the sight of them, my glowing, yellow phantom penis at the ready. “Are you ready for your final lesson?” She challenged. “I was born ready, and I haven't ever stopped” I riposted.   
She whipped me across my bloodied hands and face. “The pain of a whip across your face really makes you feel alive, don't you think?” Miss Chara inquired, “In fact, I sometimes whip myself along the vagina and breasts for fun.” “You kinky bitch,” I responded, “You've been cheating on me with a whip!” She just smiled and cracked the whip across my battered dick.  
She slid down onto her knees, and caressed my cheek. She slipped off the rest of her tiny outfit, so we were both naked. She then pulled out a black candle, and lit it. She pored black, hot candle-wax all over my skeletal abs and biceps. “The burning from the wax feels liberating, doesn't it?” Miss Chara cooed. I responded with dribbling, sensuously.  
Then, Miss Chara pulled out a set of rings. She got the smallest one, and put it on the base of my cock, and put the largest inside her pussy. The juices spilled out, like a tidal wave. The rest of her rings she arranged on my cock, smallest to largest, and twisted them around in different directions. The sensation of both pain and pleasure was one that cannot be explained.


	10. Chapter 10

Then, Miss Chara undoes my chains. She then snaps a double-ended dog-collar on me, putting the other end on herself. My end had silver spikes around it, with a gold buckle at the back, and a leather lead, going to her end, which was pure black leather. The feeling of the cold, steel studs on the inside of the collar, pressing on my neck felt relaxing, yet invigorating. “I'm ready,” I whispered sensually into her ear.  
I then shoved my throbbing, phantom cock, straight up her. “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh,” she moaned as I pulverised her senses, and opened her spectacular pussy. As her vaginal fluids flowed over my groin, I pulled her closer and pressed my glowing, yellow, phantom tongue between her breasts, intrusively wiggling it, firmly grasping her ample buttocks.  
I then transformed into my rage form, as Miss Chara fell back in surprise and awe. She slowly turned over and jiggled her booty, signaling for me to come closer. As I approached, she clamped her ass over my dick, and shoved me into the wall. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!” She screamed in ecstasy, as I went balls-deep in her ass.  
I grabbed her breasts, and firmly milked them. The juices poring all over the floor. The feeling of disappointment slowly arose, and so we decided to lick each other all over. “Ohh, you get me so good.” exclaimed Miss Chara, “Get me harder, I need you. I need you so bad.” “Hold me closer.” “Oh, it feels so good.” “You know it baby!” “DO IT HARdER” We both shouted at the top of our already dying voices, “I'm coming, Mommy!”


	11. Chapter 11

The next day it was Monday, so I had to go to school. However, Miss Chara still wanted my cock, so I came up with an idea. I told Miss Chara that we should both go into school, and fuck in closets and such when we're in there. She liked the idea, but on one condition. That being that I have to wear a dog lead all day, and sit by her desk in lessons. I, of course, would never agree to such a thing.  
So, the collar started itching before maths even started. I could feel Miss Chara's vaginal fluids stuck to the collar. They were warm, and wet. It felt kinda nice. After about 20 minutes, I had the idea of trying to lick it up from the collar. Papyrus looked at me, and asked what I was doing. I stared him dead in the eyes as I licked Miss Chara's pussy fluids from off the collar. Miss Chara then turned around, and brought me outside.  
I asked what was wrong, and she led me down a series of corridors. We ended up at a small, cramped broom-closet. She shoved me in, and stomped in after me. Her huge breasts slammed me against the back wall, and we had secret sex in the closet.  
I then shoved my throbbing, phantom cock, straight up her. “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh,” she moaned as I pulverised her senses, and opened her spectacular pussy. As her vaginal fluids flowed over my groin, I pulled her closer and pressed my glowing, yellow, phantom tongue between her breasts, intrusively wiggling it, firmly grasping her ample buttocks.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im bak

I arived @ scool on Mondey. But ten waz asc by Asril. “y u no goto sinma wiv me. yestreday.” I siad was hav much sexytimes.” Asrel sed. “Wiyh ho” I sed “miss chara meny sextims” I sed. “wuz fun” he sed “YUM”Paprus.”  
Paprus then ded agin. Got nother demom corse;  
Ingredients:  
10000rf,  
hellsbane,  
merlock,  
blakroot,  
blood (2 gallons),  
5 ritual sacrifices,  
White ash,  
red chalk,  
Black Ice.

Method.  
Draw a pentagram using the red chalk, then put the 5 ritual sacrifeces on each point of the pentagram. Put the white ash and black ice in the center of the star and line the edge of the pentagram with the flowers arranged in the order; hellsbane merlock hellsbane blackroot merlock merlock blackroot hellsbane, then pour on all the blood and chant the following passage: “Ego Deus omnipotens plebs dives luctus luctus, odio odio induta cupio. Teneo sacrificio voluntatem. Obsecro te, quod recipere potest scirpus, Ingemit luctus pretium puto omnipotentis Dei super me vis odio odio. Quod sit cultus. Olim clara perceptione, quaeso.” Then set it on fire.  
Thn Papris wuss cri beacuse he nit dyed. So he get ganf ov bulies to beet me up and down. I usd rage-mod but wuz not enuf. So I used big blasy hand to kill dem all. Den I 8 dem 4 lunc. Paprus den challenge me to anim fite.  
So i puld out big sord and used rage-mod agin, I was no mach for his seconde from. So I win fite and kil him more. He den get up to get reveng.  
At thiss pont I unlock my new trensfromation. Mah thrid form. I wil now discib it to yu.  
I had craks on ma skul all on mah hed. Mah left I was rainbo and mah rite I was yellow like mah normla I. Mah gastablasta logo on mah jaket was now rainbo to.  
Azril asc me, r u ocay?” Mah response?  
“ I AM GOING TO FUCK. YOU. AWL !”.


	13. Chapter 13

I ten robd im ov al his stuf and fuked his litl men puss right up dat face. He den cred so I SONT HIM HOME end ordred an pezza cuz mum wud get angy at me if he tld ger wet happd. Den I was gone honm and decded to ordre an pezza.  
Den I oerde an pezza. Da pezza was very nic an on pezza was poperoni and chess. The nxt dye I had hengovr from all the pusy I devered lost nigh.t  
I hsd my fooost in hss fuc whon i fighted hm. An the is dod, so I DID LORTS OF KOTCHELP OND GOT AN SATEN TO RORVIV HERM. Then papyrus git me and sed is time to step, and then we sing son;  
"Papirus and Sons (Theme Song)"  
Now this is a story all about how  
My life got gud  
And I'd like to take a time  
Just sit right there  
I'll tell you how I became the papirus and sons of a town called Undere tal

In west undere tal born and raised  
On the playground was where I spent most of my days  
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool  
And all shooting some childen outside of the school  
When a couple of guys who were up to no good  
Started making trouble in my neighborhood  
I got in one little fight and my mrs chara got scared  
She said, "You're movin' with your papirus and sons and papirus and sons in Undere tal."

I fuck with her day after day  
But she jiggled my as and sent me on my way  
She gave me a fuk and then she gave me da pussy.  
I put my orgsdim on and said, "I might as well k fuck her."

First class, yo, this is fuck  
Drinking pussy out of a girl glass.  
Is this what the people of Undere tal living like?  
pussy, this might be shitty fuck shits.

But wait I hear they're pussy, titys, all that  
Is this the type of place that they just send this sapirus and sons cat?  
FUCK EM IN DA PUSS PUSS.  
Ill FUCK FUCK FUCK COCK.  
I hope they're prepared for the Papirus and Sons

Well, the plane landed and when I came out  
There was a dude who looked like a SHITED standing there with my dik out  
I ain't trying to get rapped yet  
I just got here  
I fuck her right in da puss puss, disappeared

I whistled for a pussy and when it came near  
The license plate said "Fuck" and it had porn in the mirror  
If anything I could say that this cab was puss pussy  
But I thought, "cock fuck in pussy"  
– "Yo, home to Undere tal."

I pulled up to the house about 69 or papirus  
And sons yelled to the cabbie, "Yo home fuck off."  
I looked at my Undere tal  
I was finally there  
To sit on my throne as the PAPIRUS END SONS.

TOND

 

I like to put ot cliff hengers but is not gon end ther cuz beck story isnt fonoshed.  
THEN we was atrack by mers chere so we we run offf to temple of boob.  
(Geddit, thas the tityl)  
(cuz boob)


	14. Chapter 14

We wre runin 2 da tempel & i sed “Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?   
A: No body  
Q: What do skeletons say before they begin dining?   
A: Bone appetit !  
Q: When does a skeleton laugh?   
A: When something tickles his funny bone.  
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?   
A: It had no body to dance with.  
Q: What type of art do skeletons like?   
A: Skull tures  
Q: What did the skeleton say when his brother told a lie?   
A: You can't fool me, I can see right through you.  
Q: What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle?   
A: I'm bone to be wild!  
Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?   
A: He had no body to dance with.  
Q: What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day?   
A: Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.  
Q: Who was the most famous skeleton detective?   
A: Sherlock Bones.  
Q: Who was the most famous French skeleton?   
A: Napoleon bone-apart  
Q: What instrument do skeletons play?   
A: Trom-BONE.  
Q: What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?   
A: Spare ribs!!!  
Q: When does a skeleton laugh?   
A: When something tickles his funny bone.  
Q: Why didn't the skeleton eat the cafeteria food?   
A: Because he didn't have the stomach for it!  
Q: Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?   
A: He didn't have the guts.  
Q: Why are skeletons usually so calm ?   
A: Nothing gets under their skin !  
Q: Why do skeletons hate winter?   
A: Beacuse the cold goes right through them !  
Q: Why are graveyards so noisy ?   
A: Beacause of all the coffin !  
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party ?   
A: He had no body to go with !  
Q: What happened when the skeletons rode pogo sticks ?   
A: They had a rattling good time !  
Q: Why did the skeleton go to hospital ?   
A: To have his ghoul stones removed !  
Q: How did the skeleton know it was going to rain ?   
A: He could feel it in his bones !  
Q: What's a skeleton's favourite musical instrument ?   
A: A trom-bone !  
Q: How do skeletons call their friends ?   
A: On the telebone !  
Q: What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings ?   
A: Lazy bones !  
Q: What do boney people use to get into their homes ?   
A: Skeleton keys !  
Q: What do you call a skeleton who acts in Westerns ?   
A: Skint Eastwood !  
Q: What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish ?   
A: It came back with a skeleton crew !  
Q: What do you call a skeleton snake ?   
A: A rattler !  
Q: What is a skeletons like to drink milk ?   
A: Milk - it's so good for the bones !  
Q: Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night ?   
A: He was a numbskull !  
Q: What do you call a stupid skeleton ?   
A: Bonehead !  
Q: What happened to the skeleton who stayed by the fire too long ?   
A: He became bone dry !  
Q: What happened to the lazy skeleton ?   
A: He was bone idle !  
Q: Why did the skeleton pupil stay late at school ?   
A: He was boning up for his exams !  
Q: What sort of soup do skeletons like ?   
A: One with plenty of body in it !  
Q: Why did the skeleton run up a tree ?   
A: Because a dog was after his bones !  
Q: What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend ?   
A: I love every bone in your body !  
Q: Why wasn't the naughty skeleton afraid of the police ?   
A: Because he knew they couldn't pin anything on him !  
Q: How do skeletons get their mail ?   
A: By bony express !  
Q: Why don't skeletons play music in church ?   
A: They have no organs !  
Q: What kind of plate does a skeleton eat off ?   
A: Bone china !  
Q: Why do skeletons hate winter ?   
A: Because the wind just goes straight through them !  
Q: What's a skeleton's favourite pop group ?   
A: Boney M !  
Q: What do you do if you see a skeleton running across a road ?   
A: Jump out of your skin and join him !  
Q: What did the old skeleton complain of ?   
A: Aching bones !  
Q: What is a skeleton ?   
A: Somebody on a diet who forgot to say "when" !  
Q: What happened to the skeleton that was attacked by a dog ?   
A: He ran off with some bones and didn't leave him with a leg to stand on !  
Q: Why are skeletons so calm ?   
A: Because nothing gets under their skin !  
Q: What do you call a skeleton that is always telling lies ?   
A: A boney phoney !  
Q: Why didn't the skeleton want to play football ?   
A: Because his heart wasn't in it !  
Q: What happened to the skeleton who went to a party ?   
A: All the others used him as a coat rack !  
Q: What do you call a skeleton who presses the door bell ?   
A: A dead ringer !  
Q: When does a skeleton laugh?   
A: When something tickles his funny bone.  
Q: How did skeletons send their letters in the old days?   
A: By bony express!  
Q: How do you make a skeleton laugh?   
A: Tickle his funny bone!”  
& thn Mis Chara arivd.


	15. Chapter 15

& wwe wer @ da tempel & i sed “Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls? A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? A: Your job still sucks! Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist! Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? A: a $100 bill! Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A: a cucumber Q: How do you kill a circus clown? A: Go for the juggler! Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? A: They couldn't close his casket. Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle? A: Because his wife died! Q: If a dove is the "bird of peace" then what's the bird of "true love"? A: The swallow. Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision? A: a rip off Girl: "Hey, what's up?" Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?" Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. Q: Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? A: They steal all the green cards. Q: Why don't orphans play baseball? A: They don't know where home is Q: What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? A: At least a zit waits until you're a teenager before it cums on your face! Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long." Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it." Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ? A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? A: Tug-of-whore. Q: If the world is a Jacket where do poor people live? A: In the hood. Q: What's the cure for marriage? A: Alcoholism. Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection? A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese. Q: Why do they call it PMS? A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? A: Pick him up and suck on his cock! Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? A: Kermit the frogs finger  Q: What's a porn star's favorite drink? A: 7 Up in cider. Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde? A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball! Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common? A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns Q: What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys? A: Steve Nash. Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards. Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? A: Kick his sister in the jaw. Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because their plugged into a genius! Q: What do you call an artist with a brown finger? A: Piccassole Q: Did you guys hear about the cannibal that made a bunch of businessmen into Chili? A: I guess he liked seasoned professionals. Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: Why was the guitar teacher arrested? A: For fingering A minor. Q: Three words to ruin a man's ego...? A: "Is it in?" Q: Whats 72? A: 69 with three people watching Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?" Q: Why don't black people go on cruises? A: They already fell for that trick once. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog! Q: What do you call an afghan virgin A: Mever bin laid on Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. Q: What do you call a party with 100 midgets? A: A little get together. Q: What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? A: E.T. eventually went home! Q: Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? A: Because the 'p' is silent Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A: A lickalotopis Q: What's the difference between being hungry and horny? A: Where you put the cucumber. What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it? Q: Did you hear about the celebrity murderer? A: He was shooting for the stars. Q: What do girls and noodles have in common? A: They both wiggle when you eat them. Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef. Q: Why did Tigger look in the toilet? A: Because he was looking for Pooh If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off? Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A: Ate something If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have? Three feet of my cock up your ass. Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers? A: A virgin. Q: What kind of bees produce milk? A: Boobies Q: Did you hear about the African American girl who was quiet during the movie? A: She wasn't Q: What do you call two fat people talking? A: A heavy discussion. Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto? A: Roll a 40 down the street. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant. Q: Whats the worst thing about dating a blonde? A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they. Q: What did the penis say to the vagina? A: Don't make me cum in there. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch. Q: What do you call ball's on your chin? A: A dick in your mouth! Q: Did you hear about the Mexican racist? A: He joined the que que que. Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker. Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me! Q: Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader? A: They both suck for four quarters. What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off Q: Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? A: The grass tickles their balls Q: How do you rape a camel? A: One hump at a time. Q: What do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a pool? A: Vegetable soup. Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? A: Her navel. Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common? A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back! Q: What do you call a Spanish chick with no legs? A: Cuntswaylow Q: Why did the semen cross the road? A: I wore the wrong socks today. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs? A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens! Q: What's the difference between a hair stylist and a nail stylist? A: One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs! Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky? A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout? A: When he eats his first Brownie. Q: What is the leading cause in death with lesbians? A: Hairballs. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? A: Wiped his ass. Q: Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? A: He got behind in his work. Q: What do you get when cross a donkey and an onion? A: a piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye! Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common? A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in. Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from. Q: What did one broke hooker ask the other? A: Lend me $10 till I'm on my back again. Q: What's the difference between a redneck and poor white trash? A: a redneck will knock his sister up; poor white trash will marry her. Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs. Q: What is the metric equivalent of 69? A: 1 ate 1. Q: What do you call a bunny with a crooked dick? A: FUCKS FUNNY Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo? A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. Q: What's 6 inches long and starts with a p? A: ........... a shit (think about it) Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? A: Miracle Whip. Q: How can you tell that you have Africanized bees? A: The honey tastes like malt liquor. Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common? A: They both only change their pads after every third period! Q: What is the difference between oral and anal sex? A: Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak. Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower? A: Slick her hair back she looks 15.. Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman? A: The back of my hand. Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? A: The PGA tour. Q: What did the bra say to the hat? A: You go on a head while I give these two a lift! Q: What is a vagina? A: The box a penis comes in. Q: What do you call 2 jalepenos haveing sex? A: Fucking hot! Q: How is a woman like a road? A: Both have manholes. Q: What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common? A: They are both fun to ride till a friend sees you on them... Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry. Q: Why is 88 better than 69? A: Because you get eight twice! Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture. Q: How do you kill a retard? A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?" Q: What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East? A: a Selfie! Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine? A: They both don't work and always take your money. Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral? A: There are only two handles on a garbage can. Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles? A: Trust me. Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A: I want you inside me! Q: How do you keep a French person from crashing your party? A: Put a sign up that says "no nudity" Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100? A: Pull some strings. Q: Why can't Jesus eat m&m's? A: Because he has holes in his hands. Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on? A: Because they can't stand up for themselves Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done... Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side? A: You would be all right. Q: What will it take to get a Beatles reunion? A: 2 Bullets Q: What is Superman's greatest weakness? A: A bucking horse. Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles Q: What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? A: Lettuce alone without dressing. Q: What is a crack head's favorite song? A: I wanna rock! Q: What do you call money that grows on trees? A: Marijuana Q: How many parrots can you fit down a man's pants? A: Depends on the length of the perch. Q: Whats worse than getting fingered by Captain Hook? A: Getting raped by jack the ripper. Q: How do you get retards out of a tree? A: Wave to them! Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars? A: Anything you want. Q: What do you call a Muslim stripper? A: youseen memuff Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing? A: He didn't have any arms. Q: Why are black men penises bigger than white men? A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with! Q: Why are most Guidos named Tony? A: When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads. Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? A: About three inches. Q: What's worse than spiders on your piano? A: Crabs on your organ. Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road? A: Forget about it. Q: What's the difference between you and eggs? A: Eggs get laid and you don't Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None they just beat the room for being black. Q: What do you call a girl with no feet? A: Peggy Q: What is the flattest surface you can iron your jeans in? A: A white girl's bottom Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? A: Good morning ladies. Q: What did the letter O say to Q? A: Dude, your dick is hanging out. Q: Why are cowgirls bowlegged? A: Cowboys like to eat with their hats on. Q: What happens when the smog lifts over Los Angeles? A: UCLA Q: What do doctors prescribe for a sore asshole? A: Bengay. ("Been gay.") Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A: A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynecologist looks up your family bush. Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times? A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." Q: What's black, white, and red all over and doesn't fit through a revolving door? A: A nun with a spear through her head. Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly? A: So they don't poke her eye out. Q: What do you call a gay drive by? A: a fruit roll up. Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers. Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine. Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it, we're closed. Q: Did you hear about the paparazzo who was found eating unborn children? A: He was found in the abortion clinic bins looking for the inside scoop. Q: Why do men like big tits and a tight ass? A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks. Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen? A: A submarine Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff? A: A Crane! Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. Q: Name the five great kings that have brought happiness in to peoples lives A: Drinking Licking sucking fucking and wanking. Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes? A: I cry when I cut up onions... Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A: A trip without the kids! Q: How do you bring a man back from the dead? A: You suck on his dick until he cums back. Q: What's the difference between love and herpes? A: Love doesn't last forever. Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? A: The wheelchair! Q: Whats black and eats pussy? A: Cervical cancer! Q: Who was the most well known Jewish cook? A: Hitler! Q: What's the worse side effect of "the pill"? A: Children Q: Whats the difference between a white owl and a black owl? A: A white owl says, "hoot, hoot" a black owl says, "who dat, who dat" Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A: a PDF File. Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking. Q: Why doesn't Tom Cruise eat bananas? A: He can't find the zipper! Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's pussy? A: The other guys waiting their turn! Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard. Q: Whats 10 Blocks Long and has never had sex? A: The line for the new Call of Duty game. Q: Why did the Indians come to America first? A: Because they had reservations. Q: How did you get a fat chick into bed? A: A Piece of Cake. Q: How do you know if you have an overbite? A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit! Q: If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one leg work? A: IHOP! Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin Mobile Q: When is an Elf not an Elf? A: When she's sucking your cock, then she's a goblin. Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her. Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common? A: Their last big hit was "The Wall" Q: What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches? A: Single. Q: What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown? A: A cheater, cheater, woman beater. Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra? A: She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a month! Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? A: Because they have cotton balls. Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A: A cherry float. Q: What do you call a bunch of Asians in a pool? A: Rice Krispies Q: What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up? A: Vomit Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a chicken? A: A clucking gobbler. Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A: A wet nose. Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer? A: A fuckin know-it-all! Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson? A: "You Beat It, and I'll cumma cumma cum." Q: What do you call a judge with no balls? A: Justice Prick Q: What does a homeless woman use for a vibrator? A: Two flies in a bottle. Q. Why can't the post office put Charlie Sheen on a stamp? A. Everyone would be afraid to lick it. Q: What's the job application to Hooters? A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out. Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading? A: Telling your parents that you are gay. Q: What do you call lesbian twins? A: Lick-a-likes. Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the shit out of their dogs! Q: How could the redneck mom tell that her daughter was on her period? A: She could taste the blood on her son's dick! Q: Did you hear about the blind gynecologist? A: He could read lips! Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? A: Doughnuts. Q: Why do African Americans only have nightmares? A: Because a redneck shot the only one with a dream! Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus. Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? A: Spit, swallow, and gargle, Q: What do you call a redneck bursting into flames? A: A Fire Cracker! Q: What do you call a Chinese midget? A: Tai Nee Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work. Q: Whats the difference between light and hard? A: You can go to sleep with a light on! Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head! Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra? A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. Q: Why did God create orgasms? A: So women can moan even when they're happy Q: What's worst than having sex with a pregnant woman? A: Having sex with a pregnant woman and getting a bj by the baby. Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate? A: A liar. Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks? A: You can drop them off anywhere. Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? A: He got himself into a real stew. Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? A: "I'll see you next month." Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East? A: They don't want to wear out the camel. Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Monica Lewinsky? A: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election. Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics A: Not being a retard. Q: Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards? A: They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back. Q: Why do Asian girls have small boobs? A: Because only A's are acceptable Q: What did one tampon say to the other? A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches. Q: What's the difference between a retard and a pencil? A: The Pencil will eventually get the point. Q: What do you call a white guy with a huge dick? A: Michael Jackson Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass? A. Very satisfying. Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at a nusing home. Q: What do you call Iron Man without his suit? A: Stark naked! Q: What is the square root of 69? A: Ate something Q: But do you know what 6.9 is? A: A good thing screwed up by a period. Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up. If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage. Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common? A: The more you play with it the harder it gets. Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count? A: You have to chew before you swallow! Q: Why did Pizza Hut stop delivering pizza to the ghetto? A: Cuz they were told that Dominoes was always getting played! Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mother! Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? A. They can smell it but they cant eat it! Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q: What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? A: Your mom can't take a joke. Q: Why did god invent alcohol? A: So fat women can get laid too. Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest? A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12  Q: What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit? A: If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts! Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A blond electrician. Q: What do you call a persian that smokes pot? A: Harry Potter! Q: What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time? A: Cumming of Age. Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet. Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms? A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking goodyear Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave? A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat! Q: What do you call a gangster hobbit? A: YOLO SWAGGINS Q: What do pimps and farmers have in common? A: They both need a hoe to stay in business. Q: How do you clear out an Afghani bingo game? A: Call B52 Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? A: The NBA. Q: What's warm, wet, and pink? A: a pig in a hot tub. Q: What is the most common crime in China? A: Identity Fraud. Q: What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden? A: Seizure Salad Q: What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !" Q: Why were the two whores travelling in London pissed off? A: Because they found out that Big Ben was a clock! Q: Why is sperm white and piss yellow? A: So you know if you're cumming or going Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling? A: Shoot him in the face! Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: What do you call a country where everyone is pissed? A: A urination. Q: What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar? A: Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there. Q: What's the best part of gardening? A: Getting down and dirty with my hoes. Q: What do you call a Chinese rapist? A: Rai Ping Yu Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted? A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather. A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...  Q: Did you hear about the Waffle House waitress they found murdered behind the restaurant dumpster? A: She was scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and diced. Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!  A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat blood banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN! If you force sex on a prostitute, is it rape or shoplifting? you choose. Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water? A: I can't get a hard-on because I was just layed. Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name? A: Papa Boner Q: How do you make a pool table laugh? A: Tickle its balls Q: What do u call hooker that likes in in her ass? A: a crack whore Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs? A: addictionary. Q: Did you hear about the hitman who's also a janitor at the aquarium? A: He sweeps with the fishes! Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like an owl. Friend: Who? Q: Did you hear that the energizer bunny was arrested? A: He was charged with battery. Q: What has two wings and a halo? A: A Chinese telephone.... "Wing wing alo?" Q: What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom? A: Finding a box of tissues next to it. Q: How do you eat a squirrel? A: You spread its little legs. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? A: Art Q: Why did the snowman smile? A: Because the snowblower is coming. One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Q: Why doesn't Santa have any kids? A: He only comes once a year. Q: Why was two piece swimsuit invented? A: To separate the hairy from the dairy. Q: Did you hear about the junkie that was addicted to brake fluid? A: He said he could stop anytime Roses are red that much is true but violets are purple not fucking blue. Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop" After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs. If my wife finds out, she'll f**king kill me. Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher? Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving. Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection. A fake name and a fake number. Girl: My favorite number is 16 Boy: why? Girl: because you get 8 (ate) twice! It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn't block access to porn sites on the internet. How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it's gay? The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used. Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms. A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet. Once you go Asian, you never miss an equation. I'd like to point out that 'beautiful' has u in it. But, 'quickie' has u & i together. When Hugh Hefner dies, will he really be going to a better place? Everything is made in China... Except for baby girls I got raped by an alligator the other day. I think I have gatoraids. Roses are red. Nuts are round. Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in. Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life's a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high! I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people... But it needs more work Vending machines are so homophobic. I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you. A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly' Relationships used to be X's an O's , now its just Exes and Hoes... Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans. It sucks to be a penis because your roommates are nuts, your neighbor is an ass hole, your best friend is a pussy, and your owner strangles you every night until you throw up! Why is it called "taking a dump" when you are leaving one! I wish I had parents like Dora. They let that b*tch go everywhere. White people fairy tales: Once upon a time. Black people fairy tales: Yall motherfuc*as ain't believe dis' shit! A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it. Real men don't wear pink, they eat it. A pervert walks over to this sorority girl, he said "Bend over and spell run." So she bent over next thing she new there was a sharp pain she said "R U N" The perverted guy said "As far as I can go." Scientists say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.  
“hw dar u we shell rape.”


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